Publisher’s note: Exnzpat’s own “exnzpat buys a rental” story starts here. Read from oldest to newest.


I would like to introduce myself.

My real name is of no importance; however, by way of introduction, I should tell you that I was an attorney for this State’s Public Defender’s Office until just last year.

A crime was committed here nine months ago and my boss assigned me to the task of representing the man you know as exnzpat.

Exnzpat refused council and pleaded guilty to all four charges of murder and all four charges desecrating human remains. The cops considered it a closed case and my boss, in the Public Defender’s Office, sent me over to represent exnzpat whether he liked it or not.

Murder is an ugly crime. And this was especially ugly.

Exnzpat was confined to solitary at the local mental hospital — there was nowhere else to put him. He was also on suicide watch.

The first thing that struck me about exnzpat was that he is one crazy cat — not only in deed — but also in person. I remember being ushered into a small holding cell at the back of the courthouse. This was during his arraignment. Refusing Counsel, he had freely given a confession to the arresting officers. They called my boss after the fact, no doubt to cover their asses. All I could do was sit next to him and nod my head when the judge looked at him. Exnzpat had left himself very few options. We pled “guilty with mitigating factors.” 

I presented to the court that exnzpat’s confession was given to investigators who were not trained to understand mental disorders; also, the fact that exnzpat’s current residence was the States’ very own mental hospital. These two factors should be considered before moving forward to trial. Lastly, I argued that exnzpat was also a well known member of this community and had never been involved in any criminal act before now. He was, without doubt, a fine upstanding citizen. Obviously, something had gone wrong, very wrong in the chain of events that led up to that terrible night.

I’m sure that many of you followed the story in the newspapers and on TV, and as you know that he (exnzpat), will probably spend the rest of his life in a mental asylum; ergot poisoning aside, the Court found that that his lengthy narrative at did show premeditation. Clearly, the pressure of venturing into the real-estate investment business was a contributing factor on his drug-induced mind. His crazy court room ravings claiming that his body had been possessed by a noxious and deadly soul from some future hell-world didn’t help (this unfortunately, was a big black-mark in his conviction). And, no doubt too, you later read of his successful civil suit against the “Sunny Day Cereal Farm of [name deleted]” where he was awarded an out-of-court-settlement for the “wrongful death” of his family because of the ergot tainted bread he had been eating while working on his investment property.

Of course, the sad truth is that exnzpat will never enjoy that money because his deranged mental state has reduced him to a status of “incompetent.” Naturally, it has fallen on me, not only to represent exnzpat in all things, including to act as his voice, ears and eyes, but also, to act as his legal guardian — which by a good fortune — gives me full control over all his finances. And yes, I quit my job at the Public Defender’s Office.

Now, over the last nine months I have worked hard for my money (technically his, but I am now accountable to no one other than exnzpat, who, with no family and crazy, normally gives me no problems) so it pained me the other day when the private mental hospital where I keep exnzpat locked-up phoned me and told me that he needed to speak with me.

It’s an exciting time here in the US and I have been making preparations for the spring party season that begins here in the Hamptons in just a few weeks and so I was in no mood for exnzpat’s crap. All he talks about are Angels and the coming end of the universe. Trite drivel – that’s at least what I want to say – but… if not for his vast fortune, that I currently sign for… As much as I hate him and his nonsense – I am also his slave! So, when he calls for me I must come.

His face is still healing from his self-mutilation. As you know he had removed both eyes and ripped out his eardrums. Scars from the stitches run from left to right across his face. One huge scar runs from his left ear to his left eye where he had torn the cheek, exposing the bone, as he tore out the left eye. Then, while violently attempting to deafen himself – and that was just plain weird (as if gouging out your eyes wasn’t weird enough), he ruptured both eardrums, but in the process actually removed his whole left ear, though he did successfully manage to destroy the hearing in that ear. On his right ear, he was less successful, he ripped at it until it hung by just a thread of skin. The eardrum ruptured alright but after a few weeks in the psychiatric hospital the ear, after huge doses of antibiotic, healed itself. They never found the other ear. How he endured the pain for all those days that he hid himself up in that attic I’ll never know! But, then he was two kinds of crazy — crazy because of the ergot poisoning and crazy because — he is just plain crazy.

With the aid of a hearing aide exnzpat is able to communicate — if you can call the ramblings of a lunatic communication. He is, without doubt, quite mad. But regardless, when exnzpat called, I boarded my (really his) private jet and headed west to find out what he wanted.

And so, without further ado, I shall come to our conversation.

Apparently, exnzpat is concerned that a particular piece of mortgage software that he gave away for free over at last year has stopped working. But, he has another free, updated version to offer you. Apparently, he had been working on this new software, during his free time, while rehabbing his investment property last June; it has, he told me to tell you, a budget calculator that is linked to the mortgage data. Also, it has the ability to “print.” Obviously, he finished this software right before he murdered his family. It is correctly packaged and I have tried it out. It does seem to work.

Exnzpat asked me, and me alone, to distribute this software to you. And as much as I hate to be bothered by exnzpat — I am beholden to him.  Click the link below to download (it’s free).


If that does not work then email me at my address below and I will send you a free copy. I should add that the software only works on the Windows platform.

Also, don’t waste my time with pleasantries; just ask for the software and I’ll send it to you. I’m an important and wealthy man now – far too important for this kind of work – that is for sure!